Alla Hjärtans Dag or; How to Date (like) a Swede

Today is the day in which across the world people celebrate Love. Most of the world calls this day ‘Valentine’s Day’ as it marks the anniversary of the day saint Valentine was killed for arranging and performing marriages in secret for Christians against the wishes of Emperor Claudius who had banned marriages. In predominantly atheist Sweden they call it ‘All Hearts Day’ and it is not seen as a big thing. I have learnt that one must not expect anything special from the person one is dating unless in a proper ‘relationship’.

First things first, you generally would not ask a random person on a date. From the information gathered, Swedes would go out with someone they know through friends and it is unlikely they would agree to meeting up with a random person who comes/walks up to them in a cafe or bar. Now the invention of dating apps such as Tinder and Bumble have changed things as the potentially awkward ‘is that person interested?’ doubt goes out the window. Long live technological advances

When you manage to fix a date you need to carefully choose the venue. Now this can be tricky because some Swedes I spoke to, who come from Stockholm, believe the first date should be in a bar or pub as drinking alcohol is a must, since it eases conversations and prepares for the later part of the evening, if the date goes well. Other Swedes I spoke to, from the north of the country, disagree as they believe that going for fika is the best first date because it is done in daylight, one can go for a walk and is sober so you can get to actually know the person better.

When it comes to paying the bill ,even here, things vary a lot depending on who you talk to. Obviously there is no golden rule that fits all cases but in general it is good to ‘play it by ear’. The general rule is offer to pay, but if the person declines, do not insist as this could seem rude. Many in Sweden value their independence very highly and having someone pay for them would make them feel in debt and potentially put pressure to end the date in a certain way. Also it is all about being equal both socioeconomically and also in terms of gender roles, meaning that the man should not necessarily pay for the woman as might be the custom in other cultures.

When messaging, and during your first few dates, never use the words date or relationship as that could scare a Swede who highly values their state of independance and generally would not commit to a ‘relationship’ unless a fair amount of time has passed and they are absolutely certain. In that case, after months of dating, the all-important Facebook relationship-status changing ‘conversation’ would happen.

If you are in a club situation the general rule is ‘more actions than words’. But if you insist on using an ice-breaker, it needs to be funny and cheesy and obviously in Swedish. Swedes love it when you try and speak their language as it shows you are putting some effort into it and that you embrace their culture as opposed to refusing to speak the language as ‘everyone speaks English in Sweden’. Some suggestions given by a bunch of Stockholm girls:
– Få jag be om en dans? The classic (slightly boring): ‘Would you like to dance?’
– Är du lärare? För du har klass = ‘Are you a teacher? ‘Cause you have class ’
– Gjorde det ont? När du föll från himlen = ‘Did it hurt? When you fell from the sky?’
– Om du hade en tvilling skulle jag fortfarande välja dig = ‘If you had a twin, I would still pick you’
– Jag skulle gärna bjuda dig på en drink, men jag skulle bli för avundsjuk på glaset. = ‘I would buy you a drink, but I’d get too jealous of the glass.’
– Hej jag heter *insert name* och lagar världens bästa frukost. = ‘My name is *insert name* and I make the best breakfast in the world’.
– Du är ful, jag är ful. Vad väntar vi på? = ‘You’re ugly, I’m ugly. What are we waiting for?’ – Possibly to be used only in case all else fails or when you really do not care.

The last half an hour in the club goes crescendo. One can tell that Swedes change a lot in the last half hour before closure in a club. Many within the different groups of friends stop dancing in circles as individuals and break the golden ‘arm length - personal space barrier’ in order to dance closer to a person they are attracted to. The amount of tension in the air increases by the minute until the last song, at which point people really put in an effort to find someone as it’s a ‘now or not tonight’ situation.

In Sweden it is not uncommon for girls to ask guys on dates or take the initiative when dancing. Some also buy guys drinks so as an international girl you might find this odd and I know for a fact that some Italian girls would not take the initiative for ‘a question of principle’, even if they really fancied one of the guys on the dance floor.
As always when it comes to these things, it is much easier to hook up with or ask out for a date only people you know or those who you have at least been introduced to, as opposed to random strangers. If you know them too well though you could already be in the friend zone, beware 

If the date goes well or if you get lucky in a club remember to always use a condom, free condoms courtesy of Kondoma mera can be found on the ground floor in Uppsala Studentkår (the student union). They have many different kinds even ones that glow in the dark

When the morning after arrives do not expect your Swedish hook-up or date to stay for breakfast. You are not married after all, right? If someone shares breakfast it means something more than it does in other parts of the world, apparently.
Fancy doing something to mark the festivity? Check out the events offered by the student nations in the column to the right